Let it go

They say you should wait and that if things aren't okay, it's not the end. But how on earth does one know when it is okay? Maybe the situation we are in, be it good or bad, is how our life is meant to be. What if that's our okay. There are a few things in the world that don't get fixed and that's for the right reasons. Because something needs to break for it to be fixed and it could be a person, you or me, who will break and its our choice as to whether we want to be fixed and nobody can fix us. They say that the people we love can fix us but what if they're the ones breaking us? Who fixes us then? We do and no one owes it to anyone to fix another person. You might be the reason that they're broken and human instinct will make you try to fix them once and if that doesn't work, it's not your job. It's no ones. It's their job to pick up the broken pieces and put them back because they know themselves the best. Nobody stands for anybody in the end. We are all like the stars in the sky, everyone sees us together and they think we're alike but we aren't and we never will be. We will always be different people who will break one another for our gains and there will be a point when all those broken pieces might fly back and hurt us. You can't shield them. And that's alright. Break and be fixed because flaws are the true essence of perfection. 

Also, forgive yourself for breaking someone because somewhere down the line they too will forgive you and until then you don't need to live in its guilt. True you made a mistake, it may even be a huge mistake, but if you've tried to fix it and it hasn't worked then it's not your duty. There is a level to which a person can feel pain and after that their wounds automatically start to heal. Time DOES heal all wounds and it always will. Maybe that's what we need to give each other, time. And sometimes to not try anymore is not giving up, it's just letting go because that's the right thing to do. So, take that chance and just let it go. And accept the idea that this is your okay, that this is the best it's going to get and that probably this is how it's going to be till the end. 

Worth the wait

I want to take all that is left and run. Run from everything that is bothering me, everything that I'm not ready for, just everything. I know I can't do that but really that's all I want. It's what I need to do, what I should do but definitely not what I want to do. I'm not confused I'm just holding on to something that probably isn't there. But I will keep doing so because it makes a few things easier. It's true that it makes a lot of days and nights harder but it's good to believe that something was real. I know that it's almost like living a lie but its so darn easy. We all lie to ourselves because the truth is always so hard. It kills so much to know what really is out there.
There have been so many days when all I've wanted to do is just forget that any of the bad stuff happened and some days I just wish none of it happened (good included). One way makes me ignore the past and one makes me overlook the present, but not to the future, it makes me go back to the past. The past where things were actually better and not because I was trying to convince myself that it was easier but because they really were good times. So, maybe for all it was worth, or maybe it still is, I'm going to try to forget any of it ever happened. Not because I should but because I want to. I won't lie, I'm scared as hell to see it all go but sometimes it's really hard to hold on.
I wrote all of the above before things started getting better. Maybe sometimes all you have to do is let go. Better things are always out there and they will wait. Maybe even something that you let go off years ago comes back. I guess it all comes down to believing that things get better. In fact, half the times that we go on and on about how bad things are, they aren't really that bad. Let time pass and everything will make complete sense. Why somethings work out and why the other things don't. It's not because any of it was wrong, everything makes you the person that you are. It just wasn't meant to last any longer and that's okay because things just got better. And maybe they'll get a little off track again but eventually, in the end, everything will be worth it.
I'm not sure even now as to what it is that I want but I guess sometimes it's okay to not know. 

Those seat belt lies.

There are many instances in life to which we attach certain set views but they aren’t always true. They're just lies we tell each other and ourselves to make the world seem right, to justify its mistakes, its flaws. But, it doesn't work that way maybe because actions really do speak louder than words. And that will probably not change so should we accept the fact that a few things in the world aren't right and that's not going to change either?

I'm not saying that everything we term as wrong is a protected right, it's not. But, maybe we should stop trying to protect ourselves from the world and finally step out there to face it. Face it once and keep doing so until it doesn't seem scary enough to hide from anymore.

Take going to high school for example, parents will say that popularity and the concept of it isn't right and we'll agree. We will even go to the lengths of talking against popularity every once in a while. But let's admit it, at the back of our minds we did wish for it and bask in its unexplainable glory. It's everyone's story and it's true but not one of us will admit it. Why not? Because everyone told us that it was wrong? Who taught us that? Our parents, elders, and all those people who went through the same thing but denied it and continue to do so.  Even if they admit it to themselves, on the outside they will continue to tell us otherwise. 

Every generation will come out to say that they will be a different one and that they will bring change into the world. What happens to them? They get stuck in the whirlwind of lies and false beliefs. 

What it is that we are trying to shield ourselves from?If the storm is going to come, well then it’s just going to come no matter what we say or do. Nothing will be safe enough to save us from ourselves. It is when we are content with ourselves that we are really safe because lets admit it, it’s human tendency to protect ourselves. It takes so much courage and strength to harm oneself and we mortals are too afraid to do so. What we need to do is be honest with ourselves. There are very few people who actually do that because it’s hard to see the glass of safety and protection shatter into a million pieces. But you know what? Once it falls, there is no feeling more liberating because the time we have lived our life in fear of something hurting us and something going wrong. The day we stop lying to ourselves is the day that we take that power away from everyone who ever crossed paths with us.

These lies that we tell ourselves are like seat belts. They give a sense of safety and make us feel as though we cannot be harmed but when we crash into something we will still feel the pain. If we keep trying to cover up the truth to be comfortable, one day the impact will be too big and that seat belt won't be able to help us. Maybe it isn't always necessary to wear a seatbelt, until and unless you're in the car, well because that's the law and you or I shouldn't meddle with that. Stay safe.  

These lies that we tell ourselves are like seat belts. They give a sense of safety and you feel as though you cannot be harmed but when you crash into something you will still feel the pain. If we keep trying to cover up the truth and make ourselves comfortable, one day the impact will be too big and that seat belt isn't going to help us. 

Give it time

While I was in school I would spend hours writing in a diary that I would not let anyone read for the sole reason that it was like getting into my head. And then in March last year when I graduated from school I decided that I would not write a diary again. That was because while in school I would only write when something would hurt me and then I thought that college would be different and nothing would be bad enough to be written about. But you know what? There will always be things that go wrong because if they don't we will never learn and sometimes it will take really long for us to understand but one day we will. There will be this one moment where it will click into place and make perfect sense and until then all you can do is deal with it. And don't deal with it like it's bothering you but as though it's passing phase and that eventually everything turns into ash.

One day none of this will matter, it will all be one big memory that you will look back at and smile. It might hurt now and maybe even a few years down the line but one fine day there will be a moment so happy that it will overshadow all this. And thats when the whole situation will make sense. You will understand why any of it happened. I'm not saying that what you feel right now will go away, it will probably hurt more than you think but is it really in someone else's hands to cause you that. I know they say that only those who love you have the power to hurt you. But why? Why should someone love them enough to hurt them? Love someone enough to be the cure to their pain. Love them enough to keep them happy, to be the one person they turn to when all hell breaks loose. 

You've probably figured it out by now. I've always used this blog to convince myself of all the right things. The things that my mind says, the things that my heart doesn't want to accept. And I will never know which one to listen to, there will always be a part of me that will be in a state of confusion. I know some things aren't as bad as they look but someone told me that I seem to like to have complications in my life, and maybe I do. But thats okay, I don't mind that at all. It gives me something to write about. I know that we will never be free of problems but thats alright. We aren't meant to be because nothing is perfect and thats something that doesn't seem to have changed in a really long time.