Know your love.

It's said that when you fall in love, your happiness lies in that of your loved one.
Don't you think that a sad state? I mean what you're actually being told is that you no longer have power over the most important thing. Yes, I do believe that one's own happiness is essential to existence, and not just mere existence, but a significant time here on earth.
I'm not saying that love and all of its beauty is a facade (although it could be), but that love does need not to be like the classics that we read. Times have changed, and whether we like it or not, love and its meaning have changed. It's not all fairy tales anymore or even heart-wrenching tragedy for that matter. Love is what we want, love is a million things all fit into people that we meet, it could be the same person that we meet a million times, or a million pieces of what we love embedded into a million people.
We don't know yet and I don't think that we ever will. And maybe that's the beauty of it, maybe we don't know because we need something to keep us going, love drives us-where? I have no idea? We just go with the flow until we reach an end and still don't understand.
Love isn't about finding your happiness in someone else's, it's about sharing it with another person, it's about finding that place in the middle where you both smile and let time do its thing. It's about living in the moment and knowing that the moment could last forever. 

A different race altogether.

There’s the life that we live and the other one that people think we should live. 

As I think of  it, there are even some emotions that I don't really feel but I think of how that this is the way people expect me to behave in that particular situation and so I do. But they aren't the ones in my place and they don't feel what I do, they can only see whats on the outside. All those emotions running through me are something I don't ever think I will be able to explain. In fact, I don't see the need to. 

Honestly if I needed someone to fight my battles for me I would have asked them to do so but as long as I am able to do this on my own I think its alright. I understand that they mean no wrong and they probably are just worried about what I’m doing with my life but I also believe that we need to give each other the liberty to make mistakes and learn from them. If you care, then just be there when I turn around after a mistake, when I’m at the starting line all over again.

Life might be a race but not in the way that people make it sound. It’s a race with the situations, the emotions that come along with every person that enters our life. In a race you fall and you're out, while in this particular one where you're the only one running you can make that mistake and start over, and keep doing so until you take your last breath.

Still stuck at the first word.

I've always been the shy girl who talks only when spoken to, until and unless I've known you a few years, then I might open up. Since I was in a boarding school I didn't have a choice and had to get out of my shell. When I graduated from school I decided that things would be different, that I wouldn't be shy anymore, that I would be the one to start a conversation rather than be a mere onlooker. 

So college began and well, nothing changed. I still talk only when talked to and I prefer to be unseen if I  can help it. It’s not like I didn't try, I did but you know how you suddenly bring about a change and people either accept it or they notice it in a way that makes you feel conscious. I don't understand why? Don't they talk? Don't they try to put forth their ideas? It isn't fair that they say what they want and are appreciated for it while we, the shy ones, need to be the deal with people staring and wondering how we managed to open our mouth in the first place.

I don’t know if anyone else feels like this, and I know nothing I'm saying is giving them the courage to speak out. But, I'm really curious as to why people will be behind our lives to speak out and then when we finally do, they behave as though world peace has been declared. Ninety percent of the reason that I'm still shy is that honestly, I don't want to be noticed and when I realise that generally taking won’t get me that noticed and I start opening up people behave as though I'm something more than human who just learnt the English language. I didn’t just learn it, I've known it since long. I might have ideas, I might not. But, I don't know when we’ll ever know for sure. I don't know when they will appreciate our ideas more than the fact that we started talking. I’m 19 years old and I think my first words were clapped at a long time ago. I don't need that, I need someone to think about what I said, not that I said something.I’m not blaming this on people, I don't mean to say that they are the reason that I'm still that shy girl. But it wouldn't hurt if I got a little encouragement, it really wouldn’t.

Memories make up lives.

I tried and tried to get this one single post right. This is my 6th attempt at it and I'm going to make sure it's the last one too. What I want to say it's that difficult but since it's never happened with me it isn't that easy to put into words.

You know how social media is often used to display relationships between people. Well, what I noticed was that in case these two people end off on a bad note or sometimes maybe even on good terms, they erase all the memories that they had put out for the world to see. 

I know it's about personal choice and all that but how can you not cherish those memories anymore? I feel as though half the time removing the pictures and statues and what not associated with that person is in fact a way to let the world know. Putting pictures is declaring love and removing them is the final verdict. I can't write this very clearly because thankfully I haven't reached such a stage but I don't think I'd ever let go off all those memories. Something's end and we need to accept that. We don't need to use social media to get over something, in fact why do we even need to get over it? Why can't it just be a part of our life? Not a part that we are out to erase, not a part that we regret. Just a part that we cherished. A part of our life that has helped us in some way or another to be the person that we are, had given us memories worth more than just those pictures we set out to delete.

No one said life would always be good memories and nothing else. No one also said that you can't make your life go your way. Always remember that your life is that one place where you run everything, you decide who stays and who doesn't. You decide how and you feel and why you do. Life is the one happy place that you want it to be. And if it isn't so then make it, feel free to experiment, explore and most importantly, don't forget to make a few mistakes. 

Every memory is worth remembering. Be it good or bad. It was a part of your life and no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to erase it. Yes, you might be able to push it to the back of your mind but you'll never be completely rid of it. It will forever be a part of your life. 

Keep the memories, they'll make great stories. 

Just your life.

There comes a time in our lives when we try to do something thats isn't entirely right but it isn't the wrong thing either. It's just something that has to be done. And it seems as though there will always be people who will try to make that hard, try to push you away. Don't let them. Do what you want because they will eventually go and what will be left is you and your decisions.
I know I'm not old enough to comment on the human nature but I feel as though we try to exxagerate our problems to an extent that they become too big to deal with. The problem will probably be something small, something that we can get past but we will tell the world and increase its magnitude. And just for the record, no problem is too tough to deal with. If we really want to get over something, we can. We just have to decide to do so and then start the journey forward. I'm not saying that it's easy but I know it's not impossible. Somethings are worth letting go off. I know that it might seem wrong since if it is worth letting go off then why not worth keeping. Well, because not everything has the worth to be in our life. Those things are just there to teach us something important and that's about it. So be strong and let it go because if something or someone doesn't come back for a while, they probably aren't the person you should spend time waiting for. Move on with your life and when something has to return, it will. Start living your life like it's the most important thing. Don't play a cameo in someone else's life.

Let it go

They say you should wait and that if things aren't okay, it's not the end. But how on earth does one know when it is okay? Maybe the situation we are in, be it good or bad, is how our life is meant to be. What if that's our okay. There are a few things in the world that don't get fixed and that's for the right reasons. Because something needs to break for it to be fixed and it could be a person, you or me, who will break and its our choice as to whether we want to be fixed and nobody can fix us. They say that the people we love can fix us but what if they're the ones breaking us? Who fixes us then? We do and no one owes it to anyone to fix another person. You might be the reason that they're broken and human instinct will make you try to fix them once and if that doesn't work, it's not your job. It's no ones. It's their job to pick up the broken pieces and put them back because they know themselves the best. Nobody stands for anybody in the end. We are all like the stars in the sky, everyone sees us together and they think we're alike but we aren't and we never will be. We will always be different people who will break one another for our gains and there will be a point when all those broken pieces might fly back and hurt us. You can't shield them. And that's alright. Break and be fixed because flaws are the true essence of perfection. 

Also, forgive yourself for breaking someone because somewhere down the line they too will forgive you and until then you don't need to live in its guilt. True you made a mistake, it may even be a huge mistake, but if you've tried to fix it and it hasn't worked then it's not your duty. There is a level to which a person can feel pain and after that their wounds automatically start to heal. Time DOES heal all wounds and it always will. Maybe that's what we need to give each other, time. And sometimes to not try anymore is not giving up, it's just letting go because that's the right thing to do. So, take that chance and just let it go. And accept the idea that this is your okay, that this is the best it's going to get and that probably this is how it's going to be till the end. 

Worth the wait

I want to take all that is left and run. Run from everything that is bothering me, everything that I'm not ready for, just everything. I know I can't do that but really that's all I want. It's what I need to do, what I should do but definitely not what I want to do. I'm not confused I'm just holding on to something that probably isn't there. But I will keep doing so because it makes a few things easier. It's true that it makes a lot of days and nights harder but it's good to believe that something was real. I know that it's almost like living a lie but its so darn easy. We all lie to ourselves because the truth is always so hard. It kills so much to know what really is out there.
There have been so many days when all I've wanted to do is just forget that any of the bad stuff happened and some days I just wish none of it happened (good included). One way makes me ignore the past and one makes me overlook the present, but not to the future, it makes me go back to the past. The past where things were actually better and not because I was trying to convince myself that it was easier but because they really were good times. So, maybe for all it was worth, or maybe it still is, I'm going to try to forget any of it ever happened. Not because I should but because I want to. I won't lie, I'm scared as hell to see it all go but sometimes it's really hard to hold on.
I wrote all of the above before things started getting better. Maybe sometimes all you have to do is let go. Better things are always out there and they will wait. Maybe even something that you let go off years ago comes back. I guess it all comes down to believing that things get better. In fact, half the times that we go on and on about how bad things are, they aren't really that bad. Let time pass and everything will make complete sense. Why somethings work out and why the other things don't. It's not because any of it was wrong, everything makes you the person that you are. It just wasn't meant to last any longer and that's okay because things just got better. And maybe they'll get a little off track again but eventually, in the end, everything will be worth it.
I'm not sure even now as to what it is that I want but I guess sometimes it's okay to not know. 

Those seat belt lies.

There are many instances in life to which we attach certain set views but they aren’t always true. They're just lies we tell each other and ourselves to make the world seem right, to justify its mistakes, its flaws. But, it doesn't work that way maybe because actions really do speak louder than words. And that will probably not change so should we accept the fact that a few things in the world aren't right and that's not going to change either?

I'm not saying that everything we term as wrong is a protected right, it's not. But, maybe we should stop trying to protect ourselves from the world and finally step out there to face it. Face it once and keep doing so until it doesn't seem scary enough to hide from anymore.

Take going to high school for example, parents will say that popularity and the concept of it isn't right and we'll agree. We will even go to the lengths of talking against popularity every once in a while. But let's admit it, at the back of our minds we did wish for it and bask in its unexplainable glory. It's everyone's story and it's true but not one of us will admit it. Why not? Because everyone told us that it was wrong? Who taught us that? Our parents, elders, and all those people who went through the same thing but denied it and continue to do so.  Even if they admit it to themselves, on the outside they will continue to tell us otherwise. 

Every generation will come out to say that they will be a different one and that they will bring change into the world. What happens to them? They get stuck in the whirlwind of lies and false beliefs. 

What it is that we are trying to shield ourselves from?If the storm is going to come, well then it’s just going to come no matter what we say or do. Nothing will be safe enough to save us from ourselves. It is when we are content with ourselves that we are really safe because lets admit it, it’s human tendency to protect ourselves. It takes so much courage and strength to harm oneself and we mortals are too afraid to do so. What we need to do is be honest with ourselves. There are very few people who actually do that because it’s hard to see the glass of safety and protection shatter into a million pieces. But you know what? Once it falls, there is no feeling more liberating because the time we have lived our life in fear of something hurting us and something going wrong. The day we stop lying to ourselves is the day that we take that power away from everyone who ever crossed paths with us.

These lies that we tell ourselves are like seat belts. They give a sense of safety and make us feel as though we cannot be harmed but when we crash into something we will still feel the pain. If we keep trying to cover up the truth to be comfortable, one day the impact will be too big and that seat belt won't be able to help us. Maybe it isn't always necessary to wear a seatbelt, until and unless you're in the car, well because that's the law and you or I shouldn't meddle with that. Stay safe.  

These lies that we tell ourselves are like seat belts. They give a sense of safety and you feel as though you cannot be harmed but when you crash into something you will still feel the pain. If we keep trying to cover up the truth and make ourselves comfortable, one day the impact will be too big and that seat belt isn't going to help us. 

Give it time

While I was in school I would spend hours writing in a diary that I would not let anyone read for the sole reason that it was like getting into my head. And then in March last year when I graduated from school I decided that I would not write a diary again. That was because while in school I would only write when something would hurt me and then I thought that college would be different and nothing would be bad enough to be written about. But you know what? There will always be things that go wrong because if they don't we will never learn and sometimes it will take really long for us to understand but one day we will. There will be this one moment where it will click into place and make perfect sense and until then all you can do is deal with it. And don't deal with it like it's bothering you but as though it's passing phase and that eventually everything turns into ash.

One day none of this will matter, it will all be one big memory that you will look back at and smile. It might hurt now and maybe even a few years down the line but one fine day there will be a moment so happy that it will overshadow all this. And thats when the whole situation will make sense. You will understand why any of it happened. I'm not saying that what you feel right now will go away, it will probably hurt more than you think but is it really in someone else's hands to cause you that. I know they say that only those who love you have the power to hurt you. But why? Why should someone love them enough to hurt them? Love someone enough to be the cure to their pain. Love them enough to keep them happy, to be the one person they turn to when all hell breaks loose. 

You've probably figured it out by now. I've always used this blog to convince myself of all the right things. The things that my mind says, the things that my heart doesn't want to accept. And I will never know which one to listen to, there will always be a part of me that will be in a state of confusion. I know some things aren't as bad as they look but someone told me that I seem to like to have complications in my life, and maybe I do. But thats okay, I don't mind that at all. It gives me something to write about. I know that we will never be free of problems but thats alright. We aren't meant to be because nothing is perfect and thats something that doesn't seem to have changed in a really long time. 

Not our fairytale...yet.

There are over 6 billion people in the world and everyone believes that their life should be perfect. Well, if everyone has their life that way then we will have to find our happiness in someone else's once in a while. Because not everyone is part of a fairytale life and those who aren't find their place in someone else's. But why? Why not make our own fairytale where life is the one happy place we want it to be, where our happiness lies in our deeds, in us. Why must we find our place in a foreign land? Is our life not good enough? 

No, it's because it's easier. Easier to let someone take the blame, to do what you're told than to think for yourself. And who doesn't want life that easy? Everyone does whether they admit it or not. But is the life that you get really the life that you want? Is that level of joy enough? Will it ever be? Most probably it will not. So, why not step out and be the person we really want to be? Be that person that is way better in our head? For starters, I'm an amazing dancer in my head so maybe I should let reality try that too ( after a lot of classes of course). 

All I'm trying to say is that we should give ourselves a chance and maybe it'll all work out better. No one is a better you than you. Believe that and everything will fall into place. 

Practicality. Or maybe not...

I was scared to write about this but I guess it's okay now. This post is about love. Yes, that typical fairytale post. Okay fine it's not. See, I'm the kind of person that acts strong so to write that fairytale post wouldn't really be my thing. So instead, I'll just try to write about the practicality of it. 

It's not like flying on top of the clouds or not being able to see anyone else. It's as simple as trusting,understanding and believing in someone and though they are you. It's to know that what they're going to say before that actually do, to sometimes put them above you because your happiness lies in theirs. It's looking at them when things get bad so that they can smile and make you feel like everything will turn out just okay. And then, everything and everyone, except them, looses the power to break you. It's accepting the good and the bad, only to make sure that all that's there is the good.

Alright that's enough, I'm going to break my "supposed" strong wall for a few minutes. Only to tell you that love makes you loose all practicality. Love is when sometimes you stop and realise that a heart beats for you right at this moment, that it beats with you and will continue to do so until they both cease to exist. 

Love IS a fairytale. Treasure it while it lasts. 

Double the faces.

There are a lot of different kinds of people in the world. Coming to college made me realise that very few people are the same both on the inside and the outside. There are times when you stop and look and even though there might be 100 people, you will see 200 faces. Almost every person, whether they admit it or not, wants to be accepted, to be liked, to have friends and to be part of a group. It's not wrong at all. It's human nature to want to be a part of something big, something that matters. But, one should be a part of something that let's them keep their individuality. Does it make any sense to hold on to someone who sucks the real YOU out of you?
And if you can't find a place where you belong then just know that there are many others like you and that they're waiting for someone to take the first step for them. Be that someone. Make your place and theirs too. Because not everyone fits in everywhere and because some are afraid to take the first step. And to let you in on a little secret, I'm waiting for someone to take the first step for me as well. I'm not sure where I belong or what makes me happy. I can lie and say that my happiness lies in someone else's but my life isn't a movie and thats not the truth. Everyone wants to be happy and maybe sometimes they even find their happiness in another person but somewhere down the line they will want to be happy, not for anyone else but for themselves. So, be honest to yourself and go out there and make your life the one happy place YOU want it to be. 

Happy and breathing.

There are times when everything will seem to go in an opposite direction to how you want it to be. There will be people who will seem as though they're trying to make everything difficult. But, maybe I'm just over thinking this. Maybe I have too many doubts. I don't know but whatever it is, I'm okay with it. Because somewhere down the line everything will be fine. Not because I will make it okay but because like all good things come to an end so do all the bad. It might be cliched to say that nothing lasts forever but really it doesn't. At least till now nothing in my life has lasted as long as 18 years (that's how long my forever is ).

Honestly, I'm just really tired of pretending as though everything is fine when a lot of times it isn't. There will never be a time when everything is perfect and i just realised I'm being very highly pessimistic. I'm not always like this. in fact once, when I didn't even know what it meant, someone told me I'm very optimistic.
Well, the truth is I can't write anything right now because anything I say would be a lie because things aren't that good right now but I will convince myself through you thats life is perfect. Its been a while since I put a post here so I just thought that I should let you know happy and breathing.

P.S. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Judgement

I don't have any views on politics, social evils, sports, movies...nothing. And, it's not because I don't know anything, (how hard is it to find out) but it's because I never believed that my say mattered. But, lately I have been thinking otherwise. I started college around six months back and I have barely written ever since. I can't think of a reason but my mind will probably blame it on lack of time...it's not true. I have time, a lot of it but the point is I don't know what to write. Life's been sailing smoothly lately and at the back of my head I'm just waiting for the explosion that's ruins everything. It's taking too long this time. Maybe it's not going to come this once. (My thoughts are never connected, I just realised while re-reading the above). I don't know if I'm trying to justify the lack of blog posts or telling you that things are about to go wrong or that life is good. Just understand it all please.
   I know my blog posts are barely connected and that things could be way better but somehow I never know what to write about. And when I do start writing I can never tell what it really is that I'm writing about. I can write post after post about how I don't know what to write. Although, to tell you the truth, I'm scared to really write what I want to write about. I'm scared that people will judge me, that they will talk and say things that I probably won't get to listen to. And yet, here I am, afraid of judgement.
  Let's hope I get over this soon so that I can finally move forward to say what it is that I really feel.

Experiences

There are times in life when even experience can't help you. It's not like the experienced have life easy. No one does. I always thought that even if not real life, first-hand experiences then maybe what others went through would prove to be helpful. But, you know what? It doesn't matter. Nothing does.
 What matters is what you're living right at this moment, because sometimes, in some situations, nothings works but a beating organ. There is nothing that works then, your experiences, their experiences...but then again does anything need to work? I know what you're thinking-"The topic says experiences but there's nothing about that in here". I agree that's what it seems like, but look closely, read again.This post is about experiences. It's about someone who thought she knew what to do because she believed that experiences would never let her feel like this again, but this isn't the same. This is more than that, this is my story. My story about a feeling I honestly cant express no matter how hard I try. Its like feeling every emotion in a breath. Its like dying and living every second, its more than what any experience could have taught. It's life.

Through the mirror.

Today when I was in the car I looked out and saw everything that was outside and it seemed completely normal. And then I looked out again, this time through the rear view mirror and I'm not joking when I say, it was so beautiful I couldn't stop looking. Don't tell me the scene changed and all that. India traffic, nothing changed.

So, all this got me thinking that why was it so much better through a mirror? Well because a mirror shields us and it keeps away the bad things. Say, I keep you in a glass case and things around you seem okay even when they're really bad. Why? Because the glass shields you just like the glass of a mirror. I might not make much sense or be able to prove it much but that's how it is to me. There are a lot of times when I wish I could see my whole life through a mirror because it gets so bad sometimes. But then I think that the day the mirror breaks everything will come at me at once and then I'll be trapped. So what we need isn't a mirror but a path, a path to lead us to the place we want to be in. A place where we'll never feel the need of a mirror, a glass, a shield, nothing,just us. I want to do so many things say do much but I stop because I don't want to have to deal with the circumstances, because I've never had a shield. Things did change in between I started doing everything I wanted to because one person believed in me. He made me believe that I was perfect the way I was, it might have been wrong because everyone has flaws but it boosted my confidence for a long time to come. Even today I can look back at those times and be grateful because to change a person for the good is harder that to change them for the bad. I'm glad it happened. I'm glad there wasn't a shield or else things would have never been so beautiful. Thank you.

Who we pick is...who WE are?

The title seems all philosophical right? Well, the post is not. It's an extended thought process of mine. So, a lot of people I know feel like they're a certain fictional character or would like to be one. They have a choice. Their reasons are all different. Some like the physique, some like the personality and some like both. What I was thinking is that do the characters we pick describe us in a way. I mean, say for someone who picked Batman, do they like to be the ones who save others, have they gone through something like Batman did, do the like his physique? What is it? It can't be nothing. Or maybe someone who wants to be,say an uncommon choice like, Agnes from Despicable Me? Do they find her cute or do they connect with her personality, because no matter how old you are trust is trust ( a major part of her character). Or am I overthinking this? It may just be a choice like any other. But then again, every choice has a reason. My apologies for being so confused and confusing you too. But I'm really curious. Think about a fictional character you would like to be and why? Then think if their characteristics match yours. I'm not sure if mine did ( in case you're curious I want to be Agnes). I'm sure something is common between us and our choice there has to be. So I believe, in the end, that the character we want to be describes us to an extent. (I hope I'm right because Agnes is pretty cute you know). 

  This extended thought process has been in my head since forever. Not really but a week at least. It's actually because I've had a long conversation with someone who believes that he is Batman and made me believe that I'm Agnes. Maybe we can see everyone as a fictional character. Then we might know what we think of them. If we're honest in our choices that is. But, think about it if u get 5 seconds to pick one character that best describes your friend then whom will you choose and will they match?  Give it a thought, fictional characters might be useful in reality now. Even if I am wrong it's a fun thing to guess fictional characters similar to people we know. So don't go away from this and say "what the hell was that?". 

New beginning

So, I wrote my first post and it was passed off by many as okay. That got me thinking that maybe this should be more about me and not what people should feel and what they should do. Honestly, this is my second blog...I lost the password to the first thus the "new beginning". So, I'm not someone who writes much about anything but myself, not in a self-centred kind of way but I feel like everyone can tell their story the best. Well, there isn't much to my life yet I have 5 best friends, lots of friends and a good family and all that same old nonsense. Only thing that's different is how I feel. To make this more interesting ( for the one who thought it needed to be) I feel a lot but I put it all down with "yeah, whatever". Ya, so the next time I say that just know I'm feeling it. I'm not someone who says congratulations or even happy birthday for that matter (true story) but that's only because I might not have the right kind of excitement for the occasion. My friends are all used to it but that's the thing, schools over and things are about to change. New place and things so I don't know if I want to change anything about me. I thought I did want to change something but I went through my yearbook and I smiled every time I  read the lines-you gave me the reality check I needed. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad but that's how I am. No, I'm not that rude girl who makes fun of everyone, I appreciate their achievements and share their sorrows, but I also try to make sure that their feet are on the ground. (Not giving myself credit for everyone being down to earth). I don't know what I'm trying to say I'm much too sleepy and not in the mood to write about "life changing experiences". I just hope that this gets passed off as better than just okay because a friend of mine told me I can do better. (Hey friend). Okay, so this ain't that good either but it's longer now right? (Ya I'm asking you). Fulfilling wishes...that's me. Oh also I have a wish that one day hopefully someone would fulfil too. It's small but it might be hard...I'll tell you some other day. (Matter for my next post). So, more about me.

1. I have hidden dreams and wishes.

2. I'm often referred to as a "kid".

3. I trust easily.

4. I break even more easily.

5. I ACT strong (I'm a good actor when it comes to that)

(That's a lot of "I")

Okay, so I guess that's about it. 

Now that you know me more you'll understand why I write what I do and the way that I do. 

Believe

Believe. In yourself. Their will be a lot of times when you feel like nothing could go right and that no matter what you do everything and everyone will go out of their way to just make thing pathetic for you. And that's when you need to realise that self-belief is one thing that can get you through the worst instances in life. No, it's not easy, it never will be but it's something we all need. I might be acting all smart writing about it but I have very little of it myself and there have been times when it's taken me ages trying to accept the fact that things move on and that people change, times change. Today is also one of the days when I've finally understood that I'm not wrong and that the other person isn't either and that it was just meant to be. It takes a lot of time to believe in yourself truly and that needs patience. So, belief and patience and almost go together for me.

      I don't have a beautiful ending to make this all inspirational and all that but I really do hope each one of you can believe in yourself because in the end you're all that matters and nobody and nothing should be able to put you down. Ever.